Next steps

by punchmommybelievesinlife

fork-in-the-road

During treatment, I lived one hour at a time. I didn’t think about the future because I didn’t know what my future was. I lived completely in the present. Now, life is starting to feel like it did before diagnosis, which is wonderful…amazing! But, I am finding that some of this perspective I’ve gained is slipping away and I’m thinking and caring about things that I don’t truly care about. It seems that Veruca Salt is back.

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It’s my bar of chocolate
Give it to me
Now!

Sometimes I feel stuck. I don’t know which direction I should go in. I feel like I’m 18 again and I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Recently, I’ve become unglued by the fact that I don’t have a job yet or that we don’t own a house yet or that my hair isn’t longer or  that I don’t yet have whatever-it-is-I’m-lusting-after-on a particular day. I’m frustrated, impatient, annoyed. Why was my life interrupted?

I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear ’em like braids in my hair
And I don’t want to share ’em

 On a particularly down day, I lamented to my dearest friend that in the same amount of time, I’ve had friends that have had three kids and all I’ve had was one kid and survived cancer. She quickly responded, Well, that’s a heck of a lot better than the alternative. Well, that is one way to deal with Vercua, but somehow, she keeps sneaking back.

I want a party with room fulls of laughter
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don’t get the things I am after
I’m going to scream!

Before, my life’s path seemed clear. I was headed in one direction of my choosing and I carefully plotted where I would stop along the way. Now, it seems that everyone else’s path is greener and I haven’t even left the starting gate. 

I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes
And now
Don’t care how
I want it now
Don’t care how
I want it now

Advertisements