Punchy Mommy Believes in Life

How I evicted the worst uninvited overnight guest and took back my life

Month: June, 2013

Stretchy stretchy stretchy stretch

Stretching_cat

Stretchy stretchy stretchy stretch. That’s how Dad woke me up almost every morning. I was always ignoring my alarm clock and usually came dangerously close to missing the school bus. But, somewhere in between this time Dad would gently stretch my arms and legs and try to get me out of bed. Stretchy stretchy stretchy stretch, he would say. I starting doing this routine with Little Man when he was only a few months old. Pretty soon he started to anticipate it and hold his teeny arms up high over his head waiting for a good stretch. Stretchy stretchy stretchy stretch, I would say as I gently pulled on is sleep-warm soft arms and legs.

Now it’s my turn again. Whether it be in yoga or physical therapy, I hear a little voice in my head saying stretchy stretchy stretchy stretch as soon as I start to extend different parts of my body. As I did with Little Man and as I remember my Dad did with me, I find myself gently speaking to my body. Let it go. Open up. Reaching for the sky and then swan diving forward, bending at my hips and reaching for my toes; a one time easy maneuver quickly became painful and almost impossible after treatment. Stretchy stretchy stretchy stretch, reaching for my toes and coaxing my leg muscles to unfurl their iron grip from around my bones and innards. Little by little, I feel a small opening here or there. A spot that was once hard as metal becomes soft to the touch. A crackle or creek, once audible from across the room has finally fallen silent. Well greased joints have replaced those strange clicking noises. It’s going to take a lot to get back to where I was, but I’m doing it. One stretch at a time. Stretchy stretchy stretchy stretch. 

One is enough?

woman catching child

There are only a few things that I know are certain. As I sit here now, I have the results to my blood tests and my most recent PET scan and they all agree that the chemo killed my tumor. But, what else did it kill? 2012 was supposed to be the year of life, but instead it is the year of the killing. But, wasn’t it a year of life too? My life was saved, wasn’t it? I was supposed to get pregnant that year, but I got cancer instead.

Little Man is my sun, my moon, my stars. He is the earth, wind, and fire of my life. He holds all of my eggs in his basket. He will carry on my legacy. I know he is destined to do great things and he will make me proud over and over again. He is enough. He is more than enough. This two-foot apple of my eye has exceeded all of my expectations and has shown me a world that I have never known and crave to learn more about. But somehow, I want more.

I’m trying. I’m trying really hard to tame my inner Veruca Salt, I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It’s my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now! No one knows for sure if I can have more. There is no research, there are no studies. There is only time because only time will tell, I’m told. Two years to be exact, which means that the year of the killing will turn into three years of killing and there may be no more life after that. And so, I will wait to worry and while I do, I will love Little Man with reckless abandon. I will stare into his eyes, just like DH’s, I will teach him new words, his soft “r” is just like mine was, and together we will turn these years of the killing into years of living… But, I want more.